Can we have a marriage without love? Is it possible for two unknown people to live happily ever after without really knowing each other? What makes a marriage tick? Are Indians shifting from a society preferring arranged marriages to love marriages? Is there any relationship between dowry-related tortures and the type of marriage one is in? Last but not the least, which type of marriage tends to last longer? Put in another way, which type of marriage statistically leads to lesser divorces? What implication do these types of marriages have for the evolution of the family in India?

It is C.S. Lewis in his classic study of the origin of love in The Allegory of Love shows us that love as an emotion is a socio-economic and cultural construct. There can be no such thing as love unless certain social conditions and economic structures are in place. Whether he is right or wrong is beside the point. But his basic contention is held sacred by many in our society. There is a prevalent feeling that love is just an emotion which may not make a bad marriage but definitely makes for a dubious beginning to anything as solemn as a marriage. In fact, the recent Rizwanur fiasco only proves how love is often thought to be an economically motivated game. This is the same reason which compels so many of our block-buster movies showing young lovers rebelling against their elders’ choices. Love is subtly equated with rebellion. There is implied a falling in love which is entirely different from being in love. Love-marriages thus often take on a pejorative connotation.

Arranged marriages on the other hand are seen to be blessed by family approval and there is a collective onus for others in the two families to keep the relationship working. Since the bride and the groom have hardly any idea about life with the other, expectation from each other initially is less than in a so called love marriage. Both parties know they have to make certain adjustments and compromises to make living with a stranger possible initially. And the trend in our country is overwhelmingly to purse this route for marriage.

As will be seen from the two examples below, both these types of marriages have equal chances of deteriorating.

Urban couple settled in Bangalore (I have changed the names and the guy was my classmate in college.)

Jyoti married C. Anita. They met at the workplace a few years ago. After a whirlwind romance they got through a breezing registered marriage. Neither Jyoti’s parents nor Anita’s family attended the party. Jyoti is a non-vegetarian and Anita is a pure vegan. Everything started off well. They went out daily for expensive dinners and the last I heard of them, they were in heaven on earth. Day before night I mailed Jyothi after about two years asking him to tell me whether he is happy. I present his reply after some editing:

Hi (my real name),
… I am rid of that woman (he wrote a swear-word). I could not bear to eat dosas and idlis day after day…I cud not take it any longer, pal. She insisted in hearing Carnatic music from dawn to night…we are separated for the last one year…my marriage is being fixed by my mother in Kolkata…

Rural arranged marriage, Garbeta, West Bengal.

Shandhya has been married to Mithun Ruidas. Mithun is a graduate. He has some land which he cultivates. Shandhya is also a graduate from the local college. She wanted to study further. Her in laws with whom they stay do not like girls working outside the house. And getting an education is also mixing with other guys. Shandhya is regularly taunted by her in-laws for not getting their son a tractor. Her parents only gave Mithun a motor-cycle. Shandhya cannot think of divorce though she hates her life. She tells others that she will adjust over time and after all, Mithun too is educated.

Happy long term marriages seem more and more a thing of the last generation. I know a Bengali man about 72 now, married very happily for as long as I have seen him to a Punjabi lady. I see my parents and people in their age-groups. Divorce and non-committal living is virtually unheard of in their groups. But now Orkut profiles advertise ‘Open Relationships’, whatever that means. I recently went to Pune and heard a psychologist predicting that worse is to come. The poor man cannot understand whether people are marrying anymore for keeps at all. All the marriages he seems to come across are just breaking apart. The family unit is in serious threat of being annihilated.

Disclaimer: I have not purposely gone into the countless happy marriages for the sick need the doctor, not the healthy.